


If I Pave My Streets with the Good Times

by orphan_account



Category: Pocket Monsters: Sword & Shield | Pokemon Sword & Shield Versions
Genre: Depression, Developing Relationship, Everyone Is Gay, Gen, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Off-screen Relationship(s), everyone's on vacation together, leon is sad but he won't always be sad, supportive friendships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:53:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21731776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: In the wake of his defeat, Leon finds himself struggling with a darkness he isn't prepared for. But his friends are there for him, and he may find more than just friendship as they work together to support him.
Relationships: Leon/Raihan
Comments: 21
Kudos: 136





	1. If I only knew the answer

**Author's Note:**

> "Don't write Leon angst," I told myself. "Don't project your experience with depression onto _every_ character you love," I told myself.
> 
> But hey, here we are!
> 
> Also, yes, there will be Leon/Raihan in later chapters. Sonia/Nessa is also discussed but will probably remain offscreen for this one.
> 
> Thanks again for reading!

The weather was turning cold. Already reports came in daily of the crowds flocking to the ski ramps and snowy sightseeing in the higher elevations of Galar, and pretty soon, even the main cities would be frosted over. Holiday lights sprang up overnight on houses, businesses, and government buildings, and stores proudly displayed their cold weather clothing and toys for all of the most important upcoming occasions.

The world was still turning. Time was still passing.

Leon put his hands over his face and pressed his palms against his eyes. 

He didn’t want to move. Lying in bed, on his back, disheveled and tired, he took a deep breath and tried to will himself to open his eyes and get up. But the will wasn’t there, yet, so he settled for just taking a peek at the softly lit room around him.

Mornings like this were difficult, especially now that the temperature was dropping. The cold made him stiff and sore, bringing to mind the freshly-healed injuries that—although he had survived, much to the surprise of many—left him with some lingering pain he didn’t like to acknowledge. He was too young for chronic pain, he had told himself; he’d just have to push through it, get over it, move on. 

Move on like everyone else was. 

He shook his head. No, he couldn’t think like that. He was sinking too far, and if he kept going, he’d never be able to climb out of the pit he was digging for himself. Of course everyone else was moving forward. Of course time wasn’t standing still. Why would anyone outside his own bedroom still be hung up on the events of several months ago?

They still had a Champion, even if it wasn’t him. Nothing had changed in their lives save for the face on their posters.

Leon rolled over and hugged his pillow.

When he went out, he did everything he could to keep others from noticing this dark side of his feelings. He plastered on the big smile he’d cultivated since childhood, and he laughed and joked and never really brought up his new life beyond the Championship at all. Most people didn’t think twice about his demeanor as he worked to put his Battle Tower plans into motion, and they certainly didn’t know how meaningless he really found those battles after the Tower was operational. He went out and did his job as he always had, as he’d been taught to do from too young, and then he waved at the thinning crowds and went home.

Sometimes he won those battles. Sometimes he lost. He was average, now, or maybe a notch above, and his average life gnawed on his spirit with a relentless drive to break it.

Maybe he would just stay in bed today.

No sooner had Leon allowed this thought to take shape than his phone chimed with a text alert. It was Raihan—he could tell by the tone—as if summoned, somehow, from another city too far away. Leon groaned and rolled over to reach for the phone on his nightstand.

_come to Hammerlocke! right now!_

Leon squinted at the text. From anyone else, such a strong demand out of nowhere would be alarming. From Raihan, it was business as usual. Lately, it seemed like he couldn’t get enough of trying to persuade Leon to visit him for one reason or another. But he wasn’t in the mood, and so Leon sent back a quick “ _not today_ ” before shoving the phone under his pillow.

A couple of minutes later, it rang. Leon rolled his eyes and answered it.

“Raihan. I’m not coming to Hammerlocke today.”

“Yeah, okay, but why not? I mean, do you have something going on, or are you just blowing me off?”

Leon sighed softly and rubbed his eyes. “I’m not blowing you off. I’m just not feeling great.” It wasn’t a lie; Raihan didn’t need to know the details.

But Raihan, being Raihan, wanted the details anyway. “Yeah? You sick? Or is it like, your health stuff—”

“I don’t have any ‘health stuff,’ so stop asking about it,” Leon snapped before he could stop himself. He winced as soon as the words left his mouth. If he was trying to fly under the radar and act like nothing was bothering him, that was entirely the wrong way to do it.

Raihan was silent for several beats. Finally, he spoke up again, slow and calm and uncharacteristic. “Okay, yeah—sorry, guess I was assuming too much there. Hey, let me know if you’re sick and need meds or something. You know where to find me.” 

He hung up.

Leon muted his phone and closed his eyes.

Despite the weight of the conversation still hanging over him, he drifted back to sleep in just a few minutes. This was not a good day to get out of bed. Tomorrow, he’d shrug it off as a stomach bug, apologize to Raihan, and no one would have to know the truth. Today, he was just going to sleep it off.

*

He managed to sleep for several hours more, but not all day as he had hoped. When Leon again stirred awake, it was late afternoon, and someone was banging on his door as if their life depended on it.

He almost hadn’t heard it at all; his bedroom was far in the back of the penthouse Rose had insisted on buying for him long ago, and more than once Leon had missed visitors because of the layout. The floor plan was just one of the many things he hated about the apartment. If he had it his way, he’d live in a comfortable little house in the country like the one he’d grown up in—but he couldn’t say no to a free place to live near his work, either.

“What the hell?” he muttered as he dragged himself out of bed and toward the front door. It took him a few moments to get there, and in that short span of time the knocking grew louder and even more frantic than it had been. Leon flung the door open, half expecting his brother or mother to be there with some terrible news.

Instead he found Sonia, scowling at him with all of her might. She crossed her arms over her chest and said, “I’ve been knocking for ten minutes!”

“You could’ve just _called_ ,” said Leon. He pushed the door open and motioned for her to come in.

She did just that, and then threw her coat off with purposeful dramatic flair. “Your phone's on silent,” she said, wagging a finger at him. “Or you’re ignoring it.”

“On silent,” he said. Ah yes. The morning’s uncomfortable phone call with Raihan came rushing back.

Sonia stepped past Leon and made her way to his kitchen, where she busied herself putting on some water to boil. Leon followed her and leaned against the wall, watching her and wishing he could go back to bed. Sonia had been one of his best friends when he was a child, and although they were no longer as close as they had been back then, she always knew how to pick up right where they’d left off when she had a reason to.

Leon wondered what the reason was this time.

“Is something wrong?” he asked.

She fished around in his pantry for tea and spoke over her shoulder. “I could ask you that.”

“Did Raihan talk to you?”

“He did.”

 _Raihan_.... “Everyone’s entitled to be in a sour mood sometimes. I was planning to call him tomorrow and apologize.”

“It’s not just being in a bad mood, you know?” Sonia turned to face him and fixed him with a serious gaze. “You’ve changed a lot in the past few months. Maybe you think we don’t notice, but—”

“Come on, I’m not that different.”

She frowned. “Are you doing okay, really, Leon?”

“I....” 

Maybe it was her piercing eye contact, or maybe it was the genuine, compassionate tone of her voice. Maybe it was the sheer magnitude of someone asking him—really asking him, and meaning it—if he was alright. He wasn’t sure, but something got through in that instant and found its way past his defenses, and he broke.

“No,” he said, and although his voice was only a whisper, he added, “I haven’t been okay in a while.” 

He looked down at his feet. Admitting it felt good, and so very bad.

Sonia crossed the kitchen and, with all of her usual energy, took his hands in hers. “Let us help,” she said. “I know you and I haven’t always been as close as we could’ve, but you’re my friend. And I know Raihan cares about you, and Piers does, and your brother... so let us help, okay?”

Leon shook his head. “I’m not sure what you can do.” He didn’t mean to sound so hopeless, but he’d been through all the possibilities many times in his mind already. They could talk to him, listen to him vent a while maybe, but would that really do any good? If he went back home to be with his family, was that really going to solve the problem either?

“I don't know,” said Sonia, giving his hands a squeeze, “but the first step is getting you out of this disgusting penthouse for a little while.”

“It’s a lot cleaner than it usually is—”

“Yeah, but it still reeks of Rose.” She blew a raspberry; Leon chuckled, and she smiled. “See? I know spending some time with your friends isn’t a magic fix for this, but maybe it can help you laugh a little, anyway. Can’t hurt, right?”

“I guess, but... what exactly do you want me to do? The media won’t let me go anywhere in this town without sticking their noses in it, even now.” That much was true; it was as though the celebrity gossip reporters, particularly, couldn’t wait to catch him in a scandal or barge into a private moment only to showcase it to the whole country. He had lost all the good parts of being a Champion (and some of the bad), but he hadn’t lost all that unwanted attention yet.

She bit her bottom lip in thought, then said, “Let’s take a vacation together. Me, you, Raihan. Piers, if he can join us.”

“And Nessa?” Leon raised his eyebrows, just a bit, and gave her a faint little smirk.

Sonia’s face flushed on cue as she sputtered, “Why would I invite Nessa!”

“Oh, you know why....”

“Shut up!”

The tea kettle whistled. Sonia let go of Leon’s hands and hurried over to finish putting their drinks together, fumbling more than she had been a few minutes before. As Leon laughed to himself at just how easy it was to tease her about her crush, he felt a familiar, comfortable old feeling creep up on him: the full and fulfilling platonic love he felt for his friends.

Maybe it would be helpful to spend time with them, after all.

“Where are you planning on taking us?”

“Nowhere far—maybe Circhester, to see the snow?”

“Raihan will never, ever go to Circhester in the winter.”

Sonia brought Leon his tea. “He will if you’re there,” she said.

Leon cleared his throat at that. She wasn’t wrong, but the way she said it....

“Come on," she added with a big smile, pretending she hadn't said anything strange at all. "It sounds cozy. Let’s do it. Next week!”

“Well... I guess. Circhester, next week.” He nodded, and they clinked their teacups together in agreement. 

Sonia stayed another hour before taking off in a flurry as chaotic as the one she’d blown in on. When she was gone, Leon threw himself on his sofa and thumbed through his phone for a little while, checking social media with a mild detachment. Silently, he mulled over the prospect of spending time in a cold, snowy city with a woman he’d only recently started to reconnect with and a man who wanted nothing more than to defeat him just once. And Piers. Maybe.

A notification popped up on his screen, and he opened it absently. It was a text from Raihan.

_how the hell did i get roped into this_

_damn it_

_i hate the fucking cold_

_i hope you appreciate this, champ_

Leon laughed—a real, out-loud laugh—and sat up in a hurry. Raihan seemed to be over the issue from the morning, and Leon was now eager to talk with him about their upcoming plans. He responded quickly:

_I do appreciate it_

_You’ll live_

_Bring a sweater dumbass_

Raihan’s response came in only a few seconds, and Leon stayed up well into the early morning hours texting back and forth with him afterward. It felt a little like they were kids again, sharing whispered conversations in a tent as they traveled the country and honed their skills together. Leon didn’t realize how much he missed that old familiar warmth, but he was grateful to have it back again, if only for the night.


	2. If I change my way of living

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The start of a Circhester vacation, all with the intention of helping Leon work through the most difficult time in his life so far.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your patience--it's kind of ironic, dealing with depression too much to work on my fanfic about dealing with depression, but I'm back at it now, and looking forward to continuing work on this one!

“This is an absolutely terrible idea. You know that, right?”

Raihan shoved his hands deep into the pockets of his jacket and frowned in an attempt to back up his complaint. He hated the cold—and it was so very cold in Circhester. How had he let Sonia talk him into this again?

_Oh, right. Leon._

Sonia, walking alongside him and clad in a heavy winter overcoat that matched her warm leggings, threw him a scowl. “You are the one who chose to wear shorts and sandals in the middle of winter.”

“Yeah, well, in Hammerlocke it’s fine.”

“There was literally no reason you couldn’t have dressed for Circhester.” Sonia shook her head and gestured with a gloved hand to a building in the distance. “Anyway, the hotel’s just a couple of blocks away. You’ll survive somehow.”

With an exaggerated sigh, Raihan pulled his phone from his pocket and snapped a picture of Sonia. “This way, they’ll know who was responsible for my death when they find me frozen in the snow.”

“Oh my god,” said Sonia, rolling her eyes. “You are the worst person I’ve ever known.”

“You love me.”

“Sure, Raihan.” 

“You can’t get enough of me.”

“Must be nice living in a dream world.”

“The real, secret reason you dragged me to this frozen hell pit was so you could spend time cuddling with me in the hotel.”

Sonia spun around to face him, walking backward as she said, “Now why would I get in the way of your unrequited love like that?” She smirked as she caught the brief, stunned surprise that crossed his face before he hid it again. “Oh that’s right. I know all about your crush.”

“I don’t have—”

“What are we talking about?” As they neared the hotel, their bickering was interrupted unceremoniously by Piers, who sauntered up to the two of them looking as though he had just rolled out of bed a few minutes before. “Secret crushes... very important....”

“I was just discussing Raihan’s secret crush.”

“Hm... right, his desperate love for his long-term rival....”

“What!” Raihan stopped mid-stride and drew himself up to his full height. Even towering over both of them, he was flabbergasted by their teasing. “Neither one of you knows what you’re talking about! So just—stop, okay? That’s enough picking on Raihan for one day.” 

He hunched over against the cold wind once again and marched the rest of the way to the hotel lobby with Sonia and Piers stifling their laughter behind his back.

*

It was well over an hour later when Leon stepped inside the hotel lobby, allowing a burst of cold air to follow him before he could close the door. He wore a warm, soft wine-red sweater and stopped to pull a pair of gloves off his hands before strolling past the entrance and toward his friends. As he shook some of the snow from his wild hair on his way over to the little group, he noticed Raihan watching him and—in a move fueled by years of rivalry and casual, competitive friendship—stuck his tongue out at the other man.

Like an adult, Raihan threw him a rude hand gesture in response.

“You didn’t all have to wait for me down here,” Leon said, totally ignoring Raihan’s comeback and joining the group. He looked over his three friends as they sat there in the big, plush armchairs by the fire and thought, for a moment, just how comfortable they really seemed all together.

“What else were we going to do?” said Piers slowly. “This is a Leon trip.”

Leon wasn’t sure how to respond to that, so he just gave a little chuckle and said, “It’s fine if it’s an everyone trip.”

“We’ll all be sure to enjoy ourselves,” said Sonia, “but I hope you can, too.”

“How’d you get away from Hop, anyway?” said Raihan. “He’s been following you around every chance he gets, hasn’t he?”

“If he figures out where I am, he’ll definitely be here to crash the party,” said Leon with a grin. “But that’s fine, too.”

“Now that you’re here, we can get checked in.” Sonia stood up, then added, “What took you so long, anyway?”

“I—”

“Got lost?” said Piers. 

Leon nodded.

Piers shook his head and shrugged. “At least you found it eventually....”

“You should’ve just called one of us,” said Sonia with a frown. “Instead of wandering around in the cold all afternoon like a lost puppy.”

Leon fought back a sigh. It never felt good, knowing so many people didn’t think he could take care of himself, and at times like these it was hard not to feel like even more of a failure for making such a silly mistake. But he knew his friends meant well, and they were just teasing him...so why did it still hurt?

Aloud, he said, “I wasn’t too late, anyway!” and threw on a smile.

Sonia muttered something to herself about getting their rooms, and Piers followed her to the front desk to check in. Raihan, still seated and showing no signs of moving from his armchair, eyed Leon with his eyebrows knitted together.

“What?” said Leon as soon as he noticed.

“You didn’t like them messing with you,” said Raihan.

Leon fidgeted with the hem of his coat sleeve. “They’re just joking around.”

“You want me to tell them it bothered you?”

“No!” Now Raihan was pitying him, on top of everything else? Leon would’ve rather dissolved into a puddle on the floor than have Raihan defend him against something that shouldn’t have even upset him in the first place. Thankfully, he didn’t have time to get into a discussion about it, as Sonia and Piers waved the two of them over to give them their keys.

It didn’t take long for the group to find their rooms and make themselves at home, although Raihan made sure to protest as loudly as he could about having to share his personal space with Piers for a couple of days. They parted ways for a while with plans to regroup later in the evening for dinner, and Leon took the opportunity to try to sleep off the mental fog he’d brought along with him in the meantime.

*

When he woke up, a few hours had passed and it was nearing time for Leon to meet his friends for dinner. Sonia had never returned to the room since leaving earlier; she had mentioned something about going shopping, but he couldn’t help but wonder if she was just trying to give him some space to rest before the evening. Whatever her reason might have been, Leon was alone when he awakened, and the loneliness was heavier than he had expected.

It took longer than it should have to get dressed, but he managed, and shortly thereafter exited the hotel with the sudden realization that he had no idea where he was supposed to meet everyone.

He’d always been bad with directions. And just a few hours earlier, they’d all made sure he knew it. Now here he was, stuck, certain he was supposed to meet them _somewhere_ and with no idea where to begin.

He could call one of them and ask, sure; but then he’d be a failure, at least in his own eyes, and he didn’t think his mental state could handle something so benign yet so overwhelming tonight. So he sat down on a bench and waited.

Surely one of them would show up sooner or later, right? Someone would think to look for him, or one of them would realize they needed something from their hotel room before dinner—something, anything, to make one of his friends appear and give him some help without his having to ask for it.

It was a selfish thought, but it wasn’t one he could shake off too easily. He knew he needed them, and he knew this trip was supposed to be about spending time with them to try to drag himself out of the pit he’d buried himself in since losing the Championship title. But every social interaction was a struggle, every conversation led to his overthinking it for hours afterward, and he just wanted someone to reach out without feeling weak for wanting it.

The bench was cold. The air was cold. Leon pulled his coat more tightly around his shoulders and huddled against the chilly breeze. It had been dark now for well over an hour, and the frigid nighttime settled over Circhester with a mild, starry sense of calm. He sat on the stone bench and regarded it all with a quiet ache that he couldn’t quite name as the world went by on the street beyond.

For a brief, hesitating moment, he wondered what this world would be like without him in it. But no—he didn’t want that—his mind was playing tricks on him again, and he had to fight past those kinds of thoughts. This trip was about relaxing and working toward healing; there was no space here for darkness.

Outside the warm glow of his friends, however, it was hard to hold onto the light.

He closed his eyes and kept them closed for several minutes until the sound of shifting fabric and shuffling feet brought him back to reality once again. When he looked, Raihan was standing there, hands shoved into his pockets, slouching and raising an eyebrow at him.

“You good?” he said.

“Why are you still wearing shorts?” said Leon instead of answering.

“I like shorts.” Raihan parked himself on the bench and said, again, “You good?”

Leon looked out at the snowy street. “Good enough,” he said. It sounded more desperate than he’d hoped it would; worrying Raihan, or any of his friends, was really the last thing he wanted to do. It was bad enough they were going to so much trouble to spend time with him, but here he was, fighting his own mind outside in the snow while they all waited for him to find his way back.

As always.

Raihan fell silent for a little while and followed Leon’s gaze. They both watched some of the local wildlife playing in the snow as families strolled from shop to shop, admiring the window displays and carrying bags. Finally, after some time, Raihan spoke up again. “I’m not gonna pretend to know what you’re dealing with,” he said, “and I’m not gonna pretend I know what to say. But I hope you know you’re really, truly not alone.”

“I know—”

“I mean _really_ ,” Raihan interjected. “Like, people say that when they don’t know what else they’re supposed to do, but I mean it. You could call me at ass o’clock in the morning and I’d drop everything and listen. Okay?”

Leon laughed. “Thanks, Rai,” he said. And then the moment passed, and the brief happiness and laughter faded, and he felt his expression falter.

He looked down at his feet.

“Leon?” said Raihan.

Leon’s voice was quiet as he said, “I don’t understand why I can’t stay happy like that for more than a few seconds at a time.” He shook his head. “I’ve felt bad before, sure, but I’ve never felt like this.”

“You’re really taking this loss hard, aren’t you?”

“It’s not....” He trailed off. There were a lot of things he needed to say, and he had no words for any of them. But he had to try. “It’s not just about losing.”

“I never thought you were a bad sport or anything,” said Raihan, “so I was kind of surprised to see you like this.”

Leon shook his head, played with the hem of his coat sleeve, and said, “I’m honestly kind of relieved I don’t have the responsibility of being Champion anymore. I’m glad I don’t have to worry about this whole country all the time, take care of problems across Galar, try to keep up appearances even when I feel like shit... I don’t miss any of that. But being the Champion was all I had, Rai. I don’t have an identity anymore, and that’s—” _That’s the part that makes me wonder why I’m here at all. That’s the part that leaves me lying awake at night, crying into a pillow and facing a hopeless future. That’s the part I can’t carry alone anymore._

“That’s why you're so lost, huh?” Raihan looked at his own hands, then back at Leon. “I guess... sometimes, you have to reconstruct your whole life, especially when you built it around something you can’t have anymore. It's never easy to find a new path after that.”

Leon met the other man’s gaze. As long as he’d known Raihan, he’d never considered what it must have been like for him to go through the experience of losing his lifelong dream or redirecting his goals in the wreckage of his defeat. Raihan had never talked about it—not like this—and Leon had never asked. But now he could see, even if it was buried by the years and relatively healed by now, the weary weight of that loss on Raihan’s mind and heart.

He’d never realized just how well his rival might understand this.

“Raihan—”

“Don’t start apologizing,” said Raihan, stretching his arms over his head and gazing up at the sky. “Say whatever else you want, but don’t apologize for living your dream.”

Leon gave a soft smile. “Thanks for understanding, then,” he said.

“Definitely.” 

Raihan slung his arm around Leon’s shoulders. The gesture was a relaxed, casual and friendly one, but Leon stiffened at the touch even so. Raihan was warm, all the time, but especially so on this cold night, and he smelled like dirt and sort of like a campfire, and Leon could feel his own face turning red under the cover of the darkness surrounding them. He leaned, almost involuntarily, into the half-hug and returned it with a pat on his rival’s back.

And Raihan didn’t move.

And Leon didn’t either.

They didn’t exchange any more words for a long while, but simply sat there, arms around each other’s shoulders, shivering in the cold but clinging to the warmth they shared between themselves. Leon had known Raihan for longer than he hadn’t, and in all that time, he’d never seen Raihan stay this quiet for this long. Whatever had come over his rival, Leon was glad for it, because he wasn’t sure how to express everything swirling through his mind.

The closeness and physical contact were more than a little grounding. By the time Raihan looked at his phone and realized they were extremely late for their dinner, Leon’s cloudy mind and dark mood had lifted—at least a little bit—and he was ready to face the rest of the evening.

“We better get a move on,” said Raihan. “Sonia’s gonna have our heads for this.”

“She’ll be fine,” said Leon as he stood up.

Raihan stood, too, and turned to hold out his hand to Leon.

“What’s this?” said Leon.

“A hand,” said Raihan. He looked everywhere except at Leon’s face. “Come on, or we’ll be even later.”

Leon took his rival’s hand as requested and, for a moment, all his worry and sadness gave way to his wondering what exactly was going on. Before he had much time to think it over, though, the two of them took off into the night toward the restaurant, with Raihan leading the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so, so, so much for your comments and kudos. They mean more to me than I can express!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all enjoy this little labor of love. I really want to be able to write something meaningful about friendships and support and mental illness within the parameters of fanfiction, and I hope this fic can get that across! Thank you for reading, and if you enjoyed it, please look for the next chapter soon!
> 
> Oh--and the titles are lyrics from "Why Do I Keep Counting?" by the Killers.


End file.
